Things I am thankful of:

Nika. I call her my wife, and even that word is not enough to describe what we mean to each other. friendship beyond friendship, beyond kinship, beyond passion or love. she completes me. when we're apart, I actually start acting like her sometimes, to fill the aching gap that is her absence.

Mom. living under the same roof for 20 years now, I only begun knowing her 5 years ago. as a teen I resented her for being mean, constricting and stubborn, but now that she herself let go of it all, went to Uni to get another degree and begun another rebellion, this time against a family that isnt really her own, we came to an incredible understanding of each other. she sometimes tells me things that actually make me blush in shock and yield the question "dont you think youre a little too young for this??".. needless to say, she's my hero.

Dad. though I only had 15 years to be his little girl, he left me a legacy of beliefs, thoughts and habits enough to last a lifetime. each time I order a beer or a Campari with grapefruit juice, read a good book, see a good movie, hear an excellent song, eat a good bloody steak, I feel him touching me on some weird level. when I feel lost, lonely, when I feel life's not fair and everyone are cruel, I think "hey, you had the best man who ever lived as your father, even if only for 15 years. most people in the world didn't even have that", and its a little better.

but a day hasnt gone by that I didnt miss him as hell.

Heinlein. in my mind, heaven is RAH and my dad sitting in some cloud, drinking beer and playing chess. his books provided the moral and behavioral education my dad didnt have time to pass on to me, because I was too young and he soon became slightly inaccessible. most of my values, phrases and philosophies, and even a few dear dear friends, come from that bookshelf.

Synesthesia. being a music lover is fun as it is, but actually seeing what I hear makes it an unbelievable experience every time. it formed my art, my music taste, and even my everyday experiences. I think of all those people around me, for whom hearing is just hearing, reading is just reading, and colours are only things you see with your eyes open, and I feel the joy surging within me. it's so much fun, dammit!! and it goes beyond music - I took some time to ponder about it, and realized the colours have always been there, since I was a kid, in music but also in books, and sometimes in peoples names and shapes and, well, auras. this is the world I live in, and I wont have it any other way.

the Sea. its my mother, my love, my safe haven. sometimes I stay away from it by choice, because I dont feel pure enough to enter it, to face its forgiveness, its silence, the quiet rhythm of the surf, the persistence with which it tries to reach inland. Stanislaw Lem was right. its not just a vast body of salt water. its alive, it has a heartbeat, its filled with flowing energy, sometimes cool and gentle, sometimes warm and playful, sometimes furious and raging. it clears my mind and cleans my essence, and I wish I was able to stay by it for a month and meditate, because damn am I a mess right now.




Today. I get a single chance, each morning, to be happy and make others so, and yet usually I choose to focus on whats not there, on my downfalls and depressions, I give in to my melancholia and sink deeper and deeper until I break down and cry.

why?